Yesterday was my very first Mother's Day. It didn't even hit me until late in the day that the holiday was now actually in honor of ME. To be honest, the day didn't feel like it was about me. Not like your birthday does. I kind of think that's how it will be for the rest of my days. My children will be on the forefront of my mind so much so that "self" will take a back seat. And this is a good thing . . .
I think the toughest part about motherhood has been the sudden denial of self. In the quickest of moments everything changes. All of the sudden I have in my arms the most beautiful, precious gift I can imagine. I love her more than life itself. But in that very same moment, I'm not #1 anymore. I'd lay my life down for this little being, no questions asked. But . . .
Adjusting to life with a newborn means I can't do what I want to do, when I want to do it. My life now revolves around a very, VERY important and wonderful responsibility. Admittedly this has not been the prettiest of transitions for my heart. You see, my flesh wants to remain selfish. I recognize that while this is a difficult time, God has planned all along, from the very beginning, for this experience to change me. Motherhood will change me. It will rid me of the notion that this life was ever about me . . . and this of course, is a good thing.
I was an only child. Maybe that makes it a little harder for me than most. Maybe not. But the fact of the matter remains, God has always had big plans for my heart; plans to mold it and rid it of it's sinful nature, and now He will do it through my children. I can't see what the road ahead looks like. I only know that I was not prepared for the long, arduous journey this would be. A journey I wouldn't trade for the world. It will reveal all of my dirt, the ugliness of my heart that I desperately need to deal with. It will force me out, and Christ in. Staying true to His style, God will make motherhood soooooo worth it. As His Word says, children are a gift, a reward from the Lord . . . in ways I never dreamed.
Sage, one day you may read this. I want you to know that I love you to the fullest of the full. When I say I'd lay my life down for you I mean it. You are worth every bit of me. You may not understand some of the things I've said today until you're a mother yourself and that's ok. The purpose of this blog is to document our lives and I believe that it is extremely important to be real and honest with the world and especially with all of us who call ourselves Christians. Our struggles are real, and we should be real with each other about them. Please make no mistake. You are not a burden. You are a prize, the most beautiful gift from the Lord. I appreciate you to the depths of my being. God is using you already to change the world and He's starting in the heart of your own mother. I love you sweet girl.